Understanding Comes Before Guidance
Without understanding someone you shouldn’t judge their life or beliefs. As human beings we have all judged people based on first impressions despite not liking the same done to ourselves. We each have our own unique set of thoughts and opinions that we strive to have others understand. Yet, the people whom we understand the least seem to be the same people we are quickest to judge.
Casting Judgment -
We first judge people from the moment we lay eyes on them. Our first impressions of a person can influence all of our future interactions with them. “Although first impressions are notoriously prone to error, we just can’t stop ourselves from making them—and it only takes a tenth of a second to form a judgment about another person’s character…” (Psychology Today). We can form these opinions off of their appearance or facial expressions, and even if our initial assumption is correct, it only gives a tiny glimpse of the person underneath.
Beyond our initial impression of someone, the people we seem to judge the harshest are the people whose opinions oppose our own. When considering the motivation behind this there are many reasons that may come to mind. For example, how people attach their personal values to an opinion, and when that opinion is challenged it feels like an attachment to their values. Another reason is our desire to fit in or belong to a certain group. “Humans are naturally social creatures, and we tend to adopt and align our beliefs with the groups we identify with…” (RosyCheeked). Your belief or opinions can dictate much of your social interactions, and people often underestimate how powerful the urge to belong to a community can be for human beings.
With this in mind it is easier to see why we judge people so easily. Often when someone expresses a differing view it can feel like an attack not only on our own values but that of our whole community whom we relate with. As a result, many conversations with people on different sides of an argument end up being a fight with one trying to defeat the other.
How to change someone's mind-
When we attach a moral value to one of our opinions it helps to explain why we are so insistent that others see things our way. What most people fail to consider is that the person on the other side of the argument has the same base value. There can be many reasons why a person would come to the conclusion that they do, and two opposite solutions can come from the same moral value. Finding out if you share that commonality with someone can only happen if you are willing to move beyond that first impression.
If you hope to change someone's mind you have to be willing to understand them and where they come from. “Convincing someone to change their mind is really the process of convincing them to change their tribe…You can’t expect someone to change their mind if you take away their community too” (James Clear). James Clear’s theory is that you can only change someone's mind by becoming friends with them and giving them a new community. Considering if this would work in practice, you may realize that you are much more likely to agree with someone that you already know over a stranger, even if both of them have the same argument. This idea is illustrated by the story of Davis (a black man) who became friends with KKK members “...(Davis) says once the friendship blossoms, the Klansmen realize that their hate may be misguided” (NPR). Davis did not enter into conversation about race with the Klan members or attempt to change their mind. Simply through getting to know them and giving them the opportunity to know him they were able to evolve their own beliefs.
What are your intentions when engaging in an argument with someone? In my experience, conversations have much more productive outcomes when the focus is on finding the truth over proving yourself right. To assume that your current opinion on every subject is correct, closes the door for improving and growing as a person. Entering a conversation looking to find the truth does not mean you are inviting any opinion presented to become your own. However, it does mean that you are willing to discover which of your own beliefs are incorrect. Entering a conversation with an open mind can be one of the best ways to understand other people and further develop your own ideas.
Overall, getting to know someone and their unique circumstances should be the first step before trying to change their mind. Though you may not be able to control your first impressions you can decide whether that is the extent of information you are willing to learn about a person. If you have a belief that is important enough for you to attempt to convince others of it, then why not use the more effective method of getting to know the other person first.
Thank you for reading!
Chavilah Stowers
